A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems The man couldn t find the answers so he sought help from God God? You there God? he asked Yes What is it my son? God answered Mind if I ask a few questions? the man asked Go ahead my son anything God what is a million years to you? God answered A million years to me is only a second The man asked God what is a million dollars worth to you? God replied A million dollars to me is worth only a penny The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question God can I have a penny? God answered Sure give me a second

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world He first approached the Italians What commandments do you offer? they asked He answered Thou shalt not murder They answered Sorry we are not interested Next he offered it to the Romanians What commandments do you offer? they asked He answered Thou shalt not steal They answered Sorry we are not interested Next he offered them to the French What commandments do you offer? they asked Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife Sorry we are not interested they answered Finally he approached the Jews How much? they asked It s free he answered We ll take ten of them

Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view) In an effort to get te nuns to move the men decided to badger them In a very loud voice the first guy said I think I m going to move to Utah I heard there are only 100 nuns living there The Second Guy spoke up and said I want to go to Montana there are only 50 nuns there The Third Guy said Well I want to go to Idaho they say there are only 25 Nuns living there At that one of the nuns turned around looked at the men and in a very sweet calm voice said Why don t you all go to hell You won t find any nuns there

Father John walked into a pub and said to the first man he met Do you want to go to heaven? The man said I do Father The priest said Then stand over there against the wall Then the priest asked the second man Do you want to go to heaven? Certainly Father was the man s reply Then stand over there against the wall said the priest Then Father John walked up to Robert and said Do you want to go to heaven? Robert said No I don t Father The priest said I don t believe this You mean to tell me that when you die you don t want to go to heaven? Robert said Oh when I die yes I thought you were getting a group together to go right now

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions The new priest hears a couple confessions then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions The old priest suggests Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand The new priest tries this The old priest suggests Try saying things like `I see `Yes go on` and `I understand ` `How did you feel about that?` The new priest practices saying these phrases The old priest says Now don`t you think that`s a little better than slapping your knee and saying `No shit? ? What happened next?`

John and Mike are walking from religious service John wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying Mike replies Why don t you ask the Priest? So John goes up to the Priest and asks Father may I smoke while I pray? The Priest replies No my son you may not That s utter disrespect to our religion John goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him Mike says I m not surprised You asked the wrong question Let me try And so Mike goes up to the Priest and asks Father may I pray while I smoke? To which the Priest eagerly replies By all means my son By all means You can always pray whenever you want to

Jack and Mark are walking from religious service Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying Mark replies Why don t you ask the Priest? So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks Father may I smoke while I pray? The Priest replies No my son you may not That s utter disrespect to our religion Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him Mark says I m not surprised You asked the wrong question Let me try And so Mark goes up to the Priest and asks Father may I pray while I smoke? To which the Priest eagerly replies By all means my son by all means You can always pray whenever you want to

Determined to take it with him when he died a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in There was one condition: He could bring only one suitcase of his wealth The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion Then one day he died St Peter greeted him at the gate and told him he could come in but his suitcase would have to be left But I have an agreement with God said the man to bring one suitcase in heaven That s very unusual replied St Peter Let me look inside that suitcase The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion St Peter was amazed He asked Why in the world would you bring more pavement to heaven?

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God He said God if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform I ll give you 15 minutes Ten minutes went by He kept taunting God saying Here I am God I m still waiting He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor hit him full force in the face and sent him flying from his platform The professor struggled obviously shaken and yelled What s the matter with you? Why did you do that? The football player replied God was busy; He sent me

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one-day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church They see a big sign posted that says Convert to Catholicism and get 50 One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign His friend turns to him and says Murray what s going on? Abe replies Murray I m thinking of doing it Abe says What are you crazy? Murray thinks for a minute and says Abe I m going to do it With that Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed So asks Abe did you get your fifty dollars? Murray looks up at him and says Is that all you people think of?

A man appeared before St Peter at the pearly gates Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St Peter asked Well I can think of one thing the man offered Once on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn t listen So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head kicked his bike over ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground I yelled Now back off biker boy or you ll answer to me St Peter was impressed When did this happen? Just a couple minutes ago

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and asks the first man he meets Do you want to go to heaven? The man said I do Father The priest said Then stand over there against the wall Then the priest asked the second man Do you want to go to heaven? Certainly Father the man replied Then stand over there against the wall said the priest Then Father Murphy walked up to O Toole and asked Do you want to go to heaven? O Toole said No I don t Father The priest said I don t believe this You mean to tell me that when you die you don t want to go to heaven? O Toole said Oh when I die yes I taut you was getting a group together to go right now

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit He asked his father who was a minister if they could discuss his use of the car I ll make a deal with you said his father You bring your grades up study your Bible a little get your hair cut and then we ll talk A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car Son I m real proud of you You ve brought your grades up and you ve studied your Bible but you didn t get hair cut You know Dad I ve been thinking about that Samson had long hair Moses had long hair Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair Yes and they walked everywhere they went

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other Since their schedules intertwined they decided to go in together to buy a car After the purchase they drove it home and parked it on the street between them A few minutes later the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car It didn t need a wash so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing I m blessing it the priest replied The rabbi considered this for a moment then went back inside the synagogue He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven At the pearly gates they were met by St Peter Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells St Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates St : What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden? 1st nun : Adam and Eve The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates St : What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ? 2nd nun : An apple The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates And finally it came the turn of the last nun