A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time He was struggling with the language and didn`t understand a whole lot of what was going on Intending to visit one of the local churches he got lost but eventually got back on track and found the place Having arrived late the church was already packed The only pew left was the one on the front row So as not to make a fool of himself he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew As they sang the man clapped his hands so the missionary recruit clapped too When the man stood up to pray the missionary recruit stood up too When the man sat down he sat down When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord`s Supper he held the cup and bread During the preaching the recruit didn`t understand a thing He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements People clapped so he looked to see if the man was clapping He was and so the recruit clapped too Then the preacher said some words that he didn`t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up So he stood up too Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation A few people gasped He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing So he sat down After the service ended the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher the preacher said in English: I take it you don`t speak Spanish The missionary recruit replied: No I don`t Is it that obvious? Well yes said the preacher I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy and would the proud father please stand up

Welcome to Heaven St Peter says to the newly arrived politician Before you settle in you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven Then you can choose where to spend eternity St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him Everyone is very happy and in evening dress They greet him hug him and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar The devil is also there a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes It is time to go Everyone waves while the elevator rises The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven where St Peter is waiting for him Now it s time to visit Heaven 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud playing the harp and singing They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns Well then you ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven Now choose your eternity The politician reflects for a minute then answers Well Heaven has been delightful but I think I would be better off in Hell Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage He sees all his friends dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags The devil comes over to him and grins menacingly I don t understand stammers the politician Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and had a great time Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my Friends look miserable The Devil looks at him smiles and says Yesterday we were campaigning Today you voted for us

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself Welcome to Heaven said St Peter Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem You see strangely enough we`ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we`re not really sure what to do with you No problem just let me in said the woman Well I`d like to replied St Peter but I have higher orders What we`re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in Actually I think I`ve made up my mind I prefer to stay in Heaven said the woman Sorry we have rules And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing She was having such a good time that before she knew it it was time to leave Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St Peter waiting for her Now it`s time to spend a day in heaven he said So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her So you`ve spent a day in hell and you`ve spent a day in heaven Now you must choose your eternity he said The woman paused for a second and then replied Well I never thought I`d say this I mean Heaven has been really great and all but I think I had a better time in Hell So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her I don`t understand stammered the woman yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable The Devil looked at her and smiled Yesterday we were recruiting you today you`re staff