During the wedding rehearsal the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer Look I`ll give you 100 if you`ll change the wedding vows When you get to me and the part where I`m to promise to `love honor and obey` and `forsaking all others be faithful to her forever ` I`d appreciate it if you`d just leave that part out He passed the minister a 100 bill and walked away satisfied It is now the day of the wedding and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged When it comes time for the groom`s vows the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her obey her every command and wish serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live? The groom gulped and looked around and said in a tiny voice I do The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed I thought we had a deal The pastor put the 100 bill into his hand and whispered back She made me a much better offe

A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out Finally the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers The priest s appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls But he went up to the leader and said Boys I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God s doorstep The gang leader defiantly said F**k God Father Murphy winced You re risking God s wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name The gang leader said F**k God s laws You name one I break it I swear I f**k I steal I smoke I shoot people I ll tell you what I m gonna break every single f**king law the church has ever make The priest said Do you really mean that? The gang leader turned to his buddies and said Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath I m gonna break every church law Well the priest said I know of at least one sin you haven t committed Yeah? Tell me what it is and I ll do it Father Murphy replied There s a strict church law against suicide So go kill yourself

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest He points to a tree and says to the chief This is a tree The chief looks at the tree and grunts Tree The missionary is pleased with the response They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says This is a rock Hearing this the chief looks and grunts Rock The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes As he peeks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity The padre is really flustered and quickly responds Riding a bike The chief looks at the couple briefly pulls out his blow gun and kills them The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied My bike

There was a man called Joe who lived near a river Joe was a very religious man One day the river rose over the banks and flooded the town and he was forced to climb onto his porch roof While sitting there a man in a boat comes along and tells Joe to get in the boat with him Joe says No that`s ok God will take care of me So the man in the boat drives off The water rises so Joe climbs onto his roof At that time another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Joe to get in Joe replies No that`s ok God will take care of me The person in the boat then leaves The water rises even more and Joe climbs on his chimney Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder The woman in the helicopter tells Joe to climb up the ladder and get in Joe tells her That`s ok The woman says Are you sure? Joe says Yeah I`m sure God will take care of me Finally the water rises too high and Joe drowns Joe gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God Joe says to God You told me you would take care of me What happened? God replied Well I sent you two boats and a helicopter What else did you want?

In a small town a person decided to open up a brothel which was right opposite to a church The church and its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business Work progressed However when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel either through direct or indirect actions or means In its reply to the court the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God As the case made its way into court the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: I don t know how I m going to decide this case but it appears from the paperwork we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church that doesn t

A preacher who shall we say was humor impaired attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers One such boldly approached the pulpit and gathering the entire crowd s attention said The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn t my wife The crowd was shocked He followed up by saying And that woman was my mother The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk which went over quite well The next week the pastor decided he d give this humor thing a try and use that joke in his sermon As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday he tried to rehearse the joke in his head It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him Getting to the microphone he said loudly The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife The congregation inhaled half the air in the room After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence trying to recall the second half of the joke the pastor finally blurted out and I can t remember who she was

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water On the 10th day bleary eyed and half dead from heat thirst and starvation they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water As it drew near they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in) They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it Out popped a tired old genie who said OK so you freed me from the stupid lamp but hey I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly I`m burned out You guys only get one wish and then I’m out’a here Make it a good one The first guy blurted out without thinking Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives Fine said the genie and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer Great move Einstein said the second guy slapping the first guy in the side of the head Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat

In a small town a person decided to open up his Bar business which was right opposite to a Temple The Temple its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business Work progressed However when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop either through direct or indirect actions or means In its reply to the court the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop s demise As the case made its way into court the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: I don t know how I m going to decide this case but it appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn t

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight “This is exciting ” thought the gentleman “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person ” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him Shortly after take-off the Pope began a crossword puzzle “This is fantastic ” thought the gentleman “I’m really good at crosswords Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck he’ll ask me for assistance ” Almost immediately the Pope turned to the gentleman and said “Excuse me but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” Only one word leapt to mind “My goodness ” thought the gentleman “I can’t tell the Pope that There must be another word ” The gentleman thought for quite a while then it hit him Turning to the Pope the gentleman said “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’ ” “Of course ” said the Pope “Do you have an eraser?”

In Florida an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days The case was brought before a judge After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer the judge banged his gavel declaring Case dismissed The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying Your honor How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas Easter and others The Jews have Passover Yom Kippur and Hanukkah yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays The judge leaned forward in his chair saying But you do Your client counsel is woefully ignorant The lawyer said Your Honor we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists The judge said The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day Psalm 14:1 states The fool says in his heart there is no God Thus it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God then he is a fool Therefore April 1st is his day Court is adjourned

An Indian dies and goes to hell There he finds that there is a different hell for each country He goes to the German hell and asks What do they do here? He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in Amazed he asks What do they do here? He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the devil is a former Govt servant so he comes in signs the register and then goes to the canteen

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie The genie said OK OK You released me from the lamp This is the fourth time this month and I`m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three You only get one wish The man sat and thought about it for a while and said I`ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I`m scared to fly and I get very seasick Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? The genie laughed and said That`s impossible Think of the logistics of that How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete how much steel No think of another wish The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish Finally he said I`ve been married and divorced four times My wives always said that I don`t care and that I`m insensitive So I wish that I could understand women know how they feel inside and what they`re thinking when they give me the silent treatment know why they`re crying know what they really want when they say `nothing` know how to make them truly happy The genie said You want that bridge two lanes or four?

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish A leading local politician who was also a member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when stopped by the police had almost murdered the officer He had stolen money from his parents embezzled from his place of business had an affair with his boss s wife taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister I was appalled But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk I ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived said the politician In fact I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering Finally God said Cool it I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away They moused They did spreadsheets They wrote reports They sent faxes They sent e-mail They sent out e-mail with attachments They downloaded They did some genealogy reports They made cards They did every known job But ten minutes before their time was up lightning suddenly flashed across the sky thunder rolled the rain poured and of course the electricity went off Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld Jesus just sighed The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers Satan started searching frantically screaming It s gone It s all gone I lost everything when the power went out Meanwhile Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours Satan observed this and became irate Wait He cheated how did he do it? God shrugged and said Jesus saves

At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest and several nuns One day one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray She went to the priest and told him Father I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as our not your Several days later the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed She again went to the priest and told him Father I ve noticed that your I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing She said she hadn t but assured him she would look for it A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit On the day the bishop arrived the same nun came down the front stairs yelling Father Father I found your watch The bishop said How wonderful my child Where did you find it? After saying hello to the bishop the nun turned to the priest and said I found it under OUR bed