Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties He tried to get it out but it was really stuck As he struggled to free his foot he heard a noise and turned around To his horror he saw a train coming Panicked he started to pray God please get my foot out of these tracks and I ll stop being bad Nothing happened his foot was still stuck He looked up to see the train getting closer He prayed again God please get my foot out and I ll stop swearing AND being bad Still nothing his foot was wedged tight The train was just seconds away Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train s horn blared He tried his plea one more time God please if you get my foot out of the tracks I ll quit being bad I ll stop swearing AND I ll stop trying to look up little Mary s dress Just as the train was about to hit Johnny his foot broke free and he fell backwards the train narrowly missing him He got up dusted himself off looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God I got it myself

It was at the end of the school year and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils The florist s son handed her a gift She shook it held it overhead and said I bet I know what it is Some flowers That s right the boy said but how did you know? Oh just a wild guess she said The next pupil was the candy shop owner s daughter The teacher held her gift overhead shook it and said I bet I can guess what it is A box of sweets That s right but how did you know? asked the girl Oh just a wild guess said the teacher The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner The teacher held the package overhead but it was leaking She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue Is it wine? she asked No the boy replied with some excitement The teacher repeated the process taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue Is it champagne? she asked No the boy replied with more excitement The teacher took one more taste before declaring I give up what is it? With great glee the boy replied It s a puppy

Usually a student is blamed if she/he fails to secure pass marks But we students sometimes think that it is not the fault of a student if one fails because a year has only 365 days Sunday - 52 Sundays in a year (they are meant for rest and watching TV) the remaining days are 313 Summer Holidays - 60 days (weather is so hot and it`s difficult to study) Eight hours of daily sleep which means 122 days in a year what is left is 131 days An hour daily for conversation (man is a social being) which means 15 days The rest are 116 Two hours every day for food and other delicacies which means 30 days leaving only 86 One hour for playing and other work everyday that means 15 days The balance ? Well 71 Examination days per year at least 21 days The leftover are 50 Winter vacation festivals parties picnics and other holidays - 40 days What remains are 10 days For sickness at least 6 days The rest 4 days - movies at least three days The remainder is one day Only one day left for annual days So will our teachers kindly tell us when to study so as to fare well in exams?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved But then the teacher realized much to her dismay that only Little Johnny was left Johnny do you have a story to share? Yes ma am My daddy told me a story about my Mommy She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey a pistol and a survival knife She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn t break And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets She killed four more with the knife till the blade broke then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands Good Heavens said the horrified teacher What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? Don t fuck with Mommy when she s been drinking

One day three young boys were playing and talking about their home life with their parents One little boy said It s about time I be getting home because if I m late for supper my Dad will get mad and whip up on me He s a real mean father The second little boy said Your father ain t mean I got the meanest Dad in the world The first little boy said How come you say that? The second little boy said Every time I go home he slaps me if I say something and if I don t say something he slaps me Man I just don t know what to do anymore The third little boy said Not me I got the best Dad in the world He plays with me and do things with me He s a real good Dad The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said Do he teach you how to do things too? The third boy said He sho do he s teaching me how to swim Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake and let s me swim back to the shore The first two said almost in unison Ain t it kind of hard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore? Nah that s the easy part the hard part is getting out of that sack

A mother enters her daughter s bedroom and sees a letter over the bed With the worst premonition she reads it with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend I found real passion and he is so nice with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle But it is not only that mom I m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods He wants to have many more children with me and that s one of my dreams I ve learned that marijuana doesn t hurt anyone and we ll be growing it for us and his friends who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want In the meantime we ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure for Ahmed to get better he deserves it Don t worry Mom I m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself Some day I ll visit for you to know your grandchildren Love Your daughter Judith PS: Mom it s not true I m at the neighbor s house I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school s report card that s in my desk drawer I love you

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked Dad what is the difference between anger and exasperation? The father replied It is mostly a matter of degree Let me show you what I mean With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random To the man who answered the phone he said Hello is Melvin there? The man answered There is no one living here named Melvin Why don`t you learn to look up numbers before you dial? See said the father to his daughter That man was not a bit happy with our call He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him Now watch The father dialed the number again Hello is Melvin there? asked the father Now look here came the heated reply You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here You`ve got lot of guts calling again The receiver slammed down hard The father turned to his daughter and said You see that was anger Now I`ll show you what exasperation means He dialed the same number and when a violent voice roared Hello The father calmly said Hello this is Melvin Have there been any calls for me?

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked Dad what is the difference between anger and exasperation? The father replied It is mostly a matter of degree Let me show you what I mean With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random To the man who answered the phone he said Hello is Joe there? The man answered There is no one living here named Joe Why don t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them? See said the father to his daughter That man was not a bit happy with our call He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him Now watch The father dialed the number again Hello is Joe there? asked the father Now look herel came the heated reply You just called this number and I told you that there is no Joe here You ve got a lot of nerve calling againl The receiver slammed down hard The father turned to his daughter and said You see that was anger Now I 11 show you what exasperation means He again dialed the same number and when a violent voice roared Hello the father calmly said Hello this is Joe Have there been any calls for me?

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower How much do you want for the mower? asked the preacher I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle said the little boy After a moment of consideration the preacher asked Will you take my bike in trade for it? The little boy asked if he could try it out first He told the preacher he hadn t ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn t sure he could still ride one The preacher told him Just keep trying It ll come back to you After riding the bike around a little while the little boy said Mister you ve got yourself a deal The preacher took the mower and began to crank it He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower The preacher called the little boy over and said I can t get this mower to start The little boy said That s because you have to cuss at it to get it started The preacher said I can t cuss It s been so long since I became a Christian that I don t even remember how to cuss The little boy looked at him happily and said You just keep pulling on that rope It ll come back to you

Ever notice how a 4-year-old s voice is louder than 200 adults ? Several years ago I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning As I came into my bedroom about 2 a m I found my two children in bed with my wife Karey apparently scared by the loud storm I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night The next day I talked to the children and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad but when I was expected home please don t sleep with Mom that night They said OK After my next trip several weeks later Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time Since the plane was late everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane s arrival along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers As I entered the waiting area my son saw me and came running shouting Hi Dad I ve got some good news As I waved back I said loudly What s the good news? Alex shouted Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex then turned to me and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the Christmas play Now all you have to do when you hear me say to the choir and the angel lit the candle is come on stage and light all the candles I can do it I can do it the little boy said excitedly Rehearsals came and went and finally the big night arrived The choir was ready the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around and all awaited the moment when the cute littlest angel would make his entrance The director gave the downbeat the orchestra began to play and the choir swept into the introductory lines ending with an expectant and the angel lit the candle Everyone looked stage right for the entrance No little boy The director gave the downbeat again and more loudly said and the angel lit the candle Again all eyes looked stage right No little boy The director beginning to sweat motioned with great sweeping gestures and this time the choir thundered into the line So loud were they that the curtains belled slightly from the sound AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE And into the silence which followed came a clear boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right and the cat peed on the matches

The final examination for an English class was two hours long and exam booklets were provided The teacher was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail A half hour into the exam Little Johnny came rushing in and asked the teacher for an exam booklet You`re not going to have time to finish this the teacher stated sarcastically as he handed him a booklet Yes I will replied Little Johnny He then took a seat and began writing After two hours the teacher called for the exams and all the students filed up and handed them in except Johnny who continued writing Fifteen minutes later Little Johnny came up to the teacher who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there No you don`t I`m not going to accept that It`s late Little Johnny looked incredulous and angry Do you know WHO I am? No as a matter of fact I don`t replied the teacher DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Little Johnny said again No and I don`t care replied the teacher with an air of superiority Good replied Little Johnny who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams stuffed his in the middle and walked out of the room

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10 who were excessively mischievous They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town their sons were probably involved The boys` mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually So the mother sent her 8-year-old first in the morning with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon The clergyman a huge man with a booming voice sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly Where is God? They boy`s mouth dropped open but he made no response sitting there with his mouth hanging open wide-eyed So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone Where is God? Again the boy made no attempt to answer So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy`s face and bellowed WHERE IS GOD ? The boy screamed and bolted from the room ran directly home and dove into his closet slamming the door behind him When his older brother found him in the closet he asked What happened? The younger brother gasping for breath replied We are in BIG trouble this time dude God is missing--and they think WE did it

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day Having an urgent problem with a main computer he phoned the employee s home number and was greeted with a child s whisper Hello? Is your Daddy home? he asked Yes whispered the small voice May I speak to him? The child whispered No Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult the boss asked Is your Mummy there? Yes Well may I speak to her then? Again the small voice whispered No Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message the boss asked Is anybody else there? Yes whispered the child a policeman Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee s home the boss asked May I speak to the policeman? No he s busy whispered the child Busy doing what? Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman came the whispered reply Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone the boss asked What s that noise? A helicopter answered the whispering voice What s going on there? demanded the boss now really apprehensive Again whispering the child answered The search team has just landed a helicopter Alarmed concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked What are they searching for? Still whispering the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ME

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well-traveled stretch of highway The location at a bend in the road allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by He had used this location successfully a number of times especially on holidays and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear After a half hour or so the officer hadn t seen anybody speeding In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him He couldn t believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed Finally after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: RADAR TRAP AHEAD A little more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet full of change