The teacher advised the class that they start each day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their hearts and repeat after her As she starts the recitation she looks around the room I pledge allegiance to the flag When her eyes fell on Johnny she found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks Johnny I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart Johnny replied But it is over my heart After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked Why do you think that is your heart? Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she picks me up and pats me here and says Bless your little heart and my Grandma wouldn t lie

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ and about the good deeds of Jesus Christ and his greatness Wondering who Jesus Christ is he asks his mother She tells him that she is busy and directs him to his father His father is also busy and so he goes to his elder brother His brother kicks him out of the room because he does not have time to answer his stupid questions Very curious he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley He asks the bum Who is Jesus Christ? and the bum replies Well I am The boy not believing the bum asks for proof So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims Jesus Christ are you in here again?

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery Pausing before one gravestone he said There lies a very honest man He died owing me 50 pounds but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven he has They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave The old man pointed to the gravestone and said Now there s a different type of man altogether He owed me 60 pounds and he died without ever trying to pay me back If anyone has gone to Hell he has The little boy thought for awhile and then said You know Granddad you are very lucky Why ? asked the old man in surprise Well whichever place you go to you ll have some money waiting when you get there

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him If you get in the car the driver says I`ll give you five hundred rupees and a piece of candy The boy refuses and keeps on walking A few moments later not to take no for an answer the man driving the car pulls over again How about thousand rupees and five pieces of candy? The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road OK he says this is my final offer I`ll give you five thousand rupees and all the candy you can eat The little boy stops goes to the car and leans in Look he says to the driver You bought the Ford Dad You`ll have to live with it

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials So she stood in the front of the class and said Children if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be? Little Richie raised his hand and said I would want gold because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche The teacher nodded and called on Little Susie Little Susie said I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnnie Little Johnnie stood up and said I would want silicon The teacher said Why Johnnie? He responded by saying because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house

A little boy was afraid of the dark One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom The little boy turned to his mother and said Mama I don t want to go out there It s dark The mother smiled reassuringly at her son You don t have to be afraid of the dark she explained Jesus is out there He ll look after you and protect you The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked Are you sure he s out there? Yes I m sure He is everywhere and he is always ready to help you when you need him she said The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little Peering out into the darkness he called Jesus? If you re out there would you please hand me the broom?

A businessman was talking with his barber when they both noticed a goofy-looking kid bouncing down the sidewalk The barber whispered That s Johnnie one of the stupidest kids you ll ever meet Here I ll show you Hey Johnnie Come here yelled the barber Johnnie came bouncing over Hello Sir The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Johnnie he could keep the one of his choice Johnnie looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber s hand The barber looked at the businessman and said See I told you After his haircut the businessman caught up with Johnnie and asked him why he chose the dime Johnnie looked at him in the eye and said If I take the quarter the game is ove

One day Johnny was at church and ask the priest may I go to the bathroom the priest said Yes you may Johnny left and headed for the woods He found a big tree and crouched down to take a dump Meanwhile the priest went looking for him in the woods Johnny heard the priest coming wiped his butt with a leaf and pulled his pants up Johnny then took his hat off and put it on top of the poop The priest saw him and said What do you got underneath there? Johnny hesitated and said The fastest bird in the world The priest said Oh yeah let`s see Ok Johnny said On the count of 3 when I take the hat off I want you to grab the bird 1 - 2 - 3 Johnny pulled the hat away and the priest grabbed the poop WOW that bird is so fast it left the poop behind said Johnny

At the Henry Street Hebrew School Goldblatt the new teacher finished the day s lesson It was now time for the usual question period Mr Goldblatt announced little Joey there s something I can t figure out What s that Joey? asked Goldblatt Well accordin to the Bible the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea right? Right An the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines right? Er--right An the Children of Israel built the Temple right? Again you re right An the Children of Israel fought the gyptians an the Children of Israel fought the Romans an the Children of Israel wuz always doin somethin important right? All that is right too agreed Goldblatt So what s your question? What I wanna know is this demanded Joey What wuz all the grown-ups doin ?

A little girl asked her mother How did the human race appear? The mother answered God made Adam took one of his ribs and made Eve They lived in the Garden of Eden till a snake gave Eve an apple which she and Adam took a bite from and they were thrown out into the world naked and alone They had children and so was all mankind made Two days later the girl asked her father the same question The father answered Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved The confused girl returned to her mother and said Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they evolved from monkeys? The mother answered Well dear it is very simple I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river Three boys playing along the river saw the accident Without a second thought they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river After cleaning up he said Boys you saved the President of the United States today You deserve a reward You name it I ll give it to you The first boy said Please I d like a ticket to Disneyland I ll personally hand it to you said Bush I d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos the second boy said I ll buy them myself and give them to you said Bush And I d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it said the third boy I ll personally wait a second son you re not handicapped No but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him He looked around the room as he started the recitation I pledge allegiance to the flag When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks Little Johnny I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart Little Johnny replied It is over my heart After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked Why do you think that is your heart? Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she picks me up pats me here and says bless your little heart and my Grandma wouldn t lie

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds I ll give 20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived An Irish boy put his hand up and said It was St Patrick The teacher said Sorry Alan that s not correct Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said It was St Andrew The teacher replied I m sorry Hamish that s not right either Finally a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said It was Jesus Christ The teacher said That s absolutely right Jayant come up here and I ll give you the 20 As the teacher was giving Jayant his money she said You know Jayant since you are Gujarati I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ Jayant replied Yes in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna but business is business

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat Little Mary has the first attempt and answers By fur Miss? The teacher replies Not quite right Mary but a good try Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying Me Miss me miss The next student the teacher s picks is Peter and he answers Is it attached by skin Miss? The teacher replies Not quite right either Peter Anyone else want to try? Finally the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny She said to Johnny What do you think the tail is attached by? Johnny replied Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat … I d say it would have to be bolted on

The group had surrounded a dog Concerned the boys were hurting the dog the reverend went over and asked What are you doing with that dog? One of the boys replied This dog is just an old neighborhood stray We all want him but only one of us can take him home So we ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog The reverend was taken aback You boys shouldn t be having a contest telling lies he exclaimed He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying beginning Don t you boys know it s a sin to lie? and ending with Why when I was your age I never told a lie There was dead silence for about a minute Just as the reverend was beginning to think he d gotten through to them the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said All right give him the dog