A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist She asks her class if they are atheists too Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks There is however one exception A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different Because I m not an atheist Then asks the teacher What are you? I m a Christian The teacher is a little perturbed now her face slightly red She asks Lucy why she is a Christian Well I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus My mom is a Christian and my dad is a Christian so I am a Christian The teacher is now angry That s no reason she says loudly What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron What would you be then? She paused and smiled Then says Lucy I d be an atheist

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist She asks her class if they are atheists too Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks There is however one exception A beautiful girl named Dolly has not gone along with the crowd The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different Because I m not an atheist Then asks the teacher What are you? I m a Christian The teacher is a little perturbed now her face slightly red She asks Dolly why she is a Christian Well I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus My mom is a Christian and my dad is a Christian so I am a Christian The teacher is now angry That s no reason she says loudly What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron What would you be then? She paused and smiled Then says Dolly I d be an atheist

A kid walks into an ice cream store and when he steps up to the counter the owner asks him what he wants The kid just stares and looks around with a glazed expression on his face and doesn t say anything Finally the owner realizing that this kid isn t all there decides to point to certain items He points to the vanilla ice cream and asks the boy if he would like vanilla The boy s body shakes and then he nods his head and points to the vanilla Okay said the owner how about a cup for your ice cream? as he points to the cups The boy shakes some more nods and points at the cups So the owner goes on caramel sauce? The boy again shakes nods and points and the jar of caramel sauce Some whipped cream? Again the boy shakes nods and points to the whipped cream can A red cherry on top? as he points to the cherries in a container The boy shakes nods and points at the cherries Finally the owner says Crushed nuts? No cerebral palsy

One day Johnnie goes up to his mother and asks: Mom how old are you? Mom: That`s a personal question You don`t ask those kinds of personal questions to women How much do you weigh? Mom: You`re too young to understand that you don`t ask those kind of questions to women Why did Dad leave us? Mom: You`re too young to understand that too I`ll tell you when you`re older So Johnnie goes back to school and tells his friend: My mom doesn`t want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs She doesn`t answer any of my questions His friend replies: You should go into her purse and look at her driver`s license All your questions will be answerd Johnnie goes back home and look into his mom`s purse and looks at her driver`s license and goes to his mom: Mom you`re 39 years old Mom: Yeah that`s right I am And you weigh 55 kg Mom: Yupp that`s right One last thing I know why dad left us Mom: Oh really why? Because you got an F in sex

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window A few minutes later a big heavy strong mean-looking hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor crowds the little guy so much that he s flattened against the window and immediately falls asleep After the plane takes off the little guy starts to feel a little air sick but he s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom After a few attempts he realizes that he can t climb over him and so the little guy is sitting there looking at the big guy trying to decide what to do Suddenly the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow He just can t hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy s chest About five minutes later the big guy wakes up looks down and sees the vomit all over him So the little guy says brightly are you feeling better now?

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree Upon it archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow Who is this incredibly fine archer? cried the duke I must find him After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets You didn`t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle did you? asked the duke worriedly No my lord I shot them from a hundred paces I swear it by all that I hold holy That is truly astonishing said the duke I hereby admit you into my service The boy thanked him profusely But I must ask one favor in return the duke continued You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot Well said the boy first I fire the arrow at the tree and then I paint the target around it

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree Upon it archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow Who is this incredibly fine archer? cried the duke I must find him After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets You didn t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle did you? asked the duke worriedly No my lord I shot them from a hundred paces I swear it by all that I hold holy That is truly astonishing said the duke I hereby admit you into my service The boy thanked him profusely But I must ask one favor in return the duke continued You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot Well said the boy first I fire the arrow at the tree and then I paint the target around it

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children The teacher asked a little boy: Sonu do you see the tree outside? Sonu: Yes Teacher: Tommy do you see the grass outside? Sonu: Yes Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky Sonu: OK (He returned a few minutes later) Yes I saw the sky Teacher: Did you see God? Sonu: No Teacher: That`s my point We can`t see God because he isn`t there He doesn`t exist A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Do you see the tree outside? Sonu: Yes Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside? Sonu: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time) Little girl: Did you see the sky? Sonu: Yessssss Little Girl: Tommy do you see the teacher? Sonu: Yes Little Girl: Do you see her brain? Sonu: No Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn`t have one?

A young boy about eight years old was at the grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do Oh no laundry the boy said I`m going to wash my dog But you shouldn`t use this to wash your dog It`s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this he`ll get sick In fact it might even kill him But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing Oh he died the boy said The grocer trying not to be an I-told-you-so said he was sorry the dog died but added I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog Well the boy replied I don`t think it was the detergent that killed him Oh? What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle

Two little boys stole a bag of mangoes from their neighbor and decided to go to a calm place to share the loot One of them suggested the nearby cemetery As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery 2 mangoes fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag Few minuets latter a drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice: One for me one for you One for me one for you He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest Father father please come with me come and witness God Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: One for me one for you one for me one for you one for me one for you Suddenly the voice stop counting and says: Hey What about the two at the gate? The priest and the drunkard took to their heels shouting We are not dead yet we are not dead yet we are not dead yet

Little Johnnie s parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors flash cards Hooked on Math special learning centers everything Finally they enrolled him in the local Catholic school The very first day he came home with a very serious look on his face went straight to his room and started studying His mother was amazed Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnnie was hard at work As soon as dinner was through he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more This went on for weeks until Little Johnnie proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents An A in Math Johnnie This is great I m so proud of you Son what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns? Johnnie shook his head Well then was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What? Johnnie looked at her and said Well Mom it s like this When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren t screwing around

A Third grade teacher collected well known proverbs He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest Here is what the kids came up with: Love all trust me No news is impossible Strike while the bug is close A miss is as good as a Mrs A penny saved is not much Don`t bite the hand that looks dirty You can`t teach an old dog math None are so blind as Helen Keller The pen is mightier than the pigs An idle mind is the best way to relax Where there is smoke there`s pollution Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader Happy is the bride who gets all the presents Never underestimate the power of termites When the blind lead the blind get out of the way If at first you don`t succeed get new batteries If you lie down with dogs you will stink in the morning Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded You get out of something what you see pictured on the box Laugh and the whole world laughs with you Cry and you have to blow your nose

Billy was excited about his first day at school So excited in fact that only a few minutes after class started he realised that he desperately needed to go to the toilet So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused Of course the teacher said yes but asked Billy to be quick Five minutes later Billy returned looking more desperate and embarrassed I can t find it he admitted The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now Billy looked at the diagram said yes and goes on his way Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher I can t find it Frustrated the teacher asked Tommy a boy who has been at the school for awhile to help him find the bathroom So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats The teacher asks Tommy Well did you find it? Tommy is quick with his reply Oh sure he just had his boxer shorts on backwards

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger What would you want to talk about? Oh I don t know said the atheist How about why there is no GOD or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death? as he smiled smugly OK she said Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first A horse a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps Why do you suppose that is? The atheist visibly surprised by the little girl s intelligence thinks about it and says Hmmm I have no idea To which the little girl replies Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death when you don t know shit ? And then she went back to reading her book

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to break the ice with the little second graders she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living Mary what does your father do? asked the teacher Mary replied My dad is a mailman That s great Mary Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail said the teacher Nancy what does your father do? asked the teacher again Oh he is a mechanic replied Nancy That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running said the teacher Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny And Johnny what does your daddy do? asked the teacher W-well my daddy died last summer said Johnny in a broken voice The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one Well I m ah really um am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny stammered the teacher What did your daddy do before he died? she asked Johnny calmly replied Well he turned blue then he shit in his pants