A young lad and his mother were walking down the street when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly Mother Mother Look at that bowlegged man His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people The next day the same thing happened Look mother there s that bowlegged man The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying When we get home you ll be punished for this outburst When they got home she gave her son a work by Shakespeare Go to your room and read this book You can t come out until you have finished it Maybe you will learn something from this punishment Two days later they re walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person of whom he had been making fun: Hark What manner of men are these who weareth their legs as parentheses?

Little Johnny was late for class He walked into the classroom quietly shut the door behind him and tiptoed to his seat all the while hoping his teacher wouldn t notice But nevertheless the teacher was well aware of his entry Upset by his tardiness the teacher asked Is this how your father would have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to his desk? The teacher pointed to the door and continued Now leave this classroom and try it again And be sure to get it right next time So Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room A few moments later he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth He slammed the door behind him put his cigarette out on the floor and said So Honey didn t expect *me* did you?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real He asked his class Where is Jesus today? Steven raised his hand and said He`s in heaven Mary was called on and answered He`s in my heart Little Johnny waving his hand furiously blurted out I know I know He`s in our bathroom The whole class got very quiet looked at the teacher and waited for a response The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds Finally he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this Little Johnny said Well every morning my father gets up bangs on the bathroom door and yells Good Lord are you still in there?

When Tim was just a wee lad he went regularly to Sunday School One day his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven She asked him If I sold my house and my car had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church Would that get me into Heaven? NO Time answered If I cleaned the church every day mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy would that get me into Heaven? Again the answer was NO By now the teacher was starting to smile Hey this was fun Well then if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my husband would that get me into Heaven? Again Tim answered NO The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him Well she continued then how can I get into Heaven? A very confident young Tim shouted out YOU GOTTA BE DEAD

For the second time in a row I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children s soccer practice I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again so I wouldn t be able to take my turn A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son my husband showed up Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside I also explained to my son that he shouldn t mention anything about his father s whereabouts Unfortunately my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived When my son returned from practice I asked him if she had noticed Yes he replied she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father But don t worry I told her I didn t know

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnnie on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said Let s talk I ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger Little Johnnie who had just opened his book closed it slowly and said to the stranger What would you like to discuss? Oh I don t know said the stranger How about nuclear power? OK said Little Johnnie That could be an interesting topic But let me ask you a question first A horse a cow and a deer all eat grass The same stuff Yet a deer excretes little pelleile a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass Why do you suppose that is? Jeez said the stranger I have no idea Well then said Little Johnnie How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don t know shit?

One Saturday morning a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off She started with To err is nature to rectify error is glory Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said George Washingotn Congratulations said the teacher you may go home The teacher then said Ask not what your country can do for you Before she could finish this quote another gal belts out John F Kennedy Very good says the teacher you may go Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities Little Johnnie said I wish those girls would just shut up Upon overhearing this comment the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said Bill Clinton I`ll see you on Monday

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago that he grew up etc So she asked her class Where is Jesus today? Steven raised his hand and said He`s in heaven Mary was called on and answered He`s in my heart Little Johnny waving his hand furiously blurted out I know I know He`s in our bathroom The whole class got very quiet looked at the teacher and waited for a response The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds Finally she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this Little Johnny said Well every morning my father gets up bangs on the bathroom door and yells Jesus Christ are you still in there? ?

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks There is however one exception A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different Because I am not an American replied Gita Then asks the teacher What are you? I m a proud Indian boasts the little girl The teacher is a little perturbed now her face slightly red She asks Gita why she is an Indian Well my mom and dad are Indians so I m an Indian too The teacher is now angry That s no reason she says loudly if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot what would you be then? A pause and a smile Then says Gita I d be an American

Miss Jones is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday As she walked into her classroom one of her students Dollly had brought a gift up to her desk Guess what it is said Dolly Knowing that Dolly`s father owned a bookstore she guessed A Book? How did you know? asked Dolly Next Robert brought a gift up to Miss Smith Guess what it is said Robert Knowing that his parents owned a florist shop she guessed Flowers? How did you know ? asked Robert Finally Johnny brought up a gift for Miss Smith Guess what it is said Johnny Knowing that Johnny`s father owned a liquor store and seeing that the bag was wet she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them Rum? guessed Miss Smith No said Johnny She tasted again Vodka? she guessed No said Johnny Once again she wet her fingers and tasted I know said Miss Smith It`s wine No said Johnny it`s a puppy

Little Johnny s father was a pastor in a small church One day his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited His father gave him instructions: first knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him: It s the boy my Lord it s time to get up Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines He went to the door and knocked He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said It s the Lord my boy and your time is up

Little Johnny s father was a pastor in a small church One day his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited His father gave him instructions: first knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him It s the boy my Lord it s time to get up Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines He went to the door and knocked He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said It s the Lord my boy and your time is up

A Little kid was having a problem with his homework Dad he asked What is the difference between anger and exasperation? Well son said his father I ll give you a practical demonstration His father picked up the phone and dialled a number Hello said a voice at the other end Hello said his father Is Melvin there? There is no one called Melvin here the voice replied Why don t you look up numbers before you dial them? You see? said kid s father That man was not at all happy with our call Now watch this He then dialled the number again and says Hello is Melvin there? Now look here the voice said angrily I told you there is no Melvin here You have got a lot of nerve calling again Did you hear that? kid s father asked That was anger Now I will show you what exasperation is He dialled once again And on hearing the voice at the other end he said Hello This is Melvin Have there been any calls for me?

Little Johnnie on a day when he was being particularly reckless was playing in the backyard one morning Soon some honeybees started swirling around annoying little Johnnie He began stomping on them in his temper His father caught him trampling the honeybees and after a brief moment of thought said That`s it No honey for you for one month Later that afternoon Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet His father again caught him and after a brief moment of thought said No butter for you for one month Early that evening Johnnie`s mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead Johnnie`s mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her To which Johnnie said Are you going to tell her daddy or should I?

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys all of them between 10 and 12 years of age The group surrounded a dog Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog he went over and asked What are you doing with that dog? One of the boys replied This dog is just an old neighborhood stray We all want him but only one of us can take him home So we`ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog Of course the reverend was taken aback You boys shouldn`t be having a contest telling lies he exclaimed He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying beginning Don`t you boys know it`s a sin to lie and ending with Why when I was your age I never told a lie There was dead silence for about a minute Just as the reverend was beginning to think he`d gotten through to them the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said All right give him the dog