A nursery school teacher says to her class Who can use the word definitely in a sentence? First a little girl says The sky is definitely blue The teacher says Sorry Amy but the sky can sometimes be gray or black A second little boy says Trees are definitely green Sorry but in the autumn the trees are brown Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks Does a fart have lumps? The teacher looks horrified and says Johnny Of course not OK then I DEFINITELY shit my pants

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest Here is is how they answered: It s always darkest before daylight savings times You can lead a horse to water but how? Don t bite the hand that looks dirty A penny saved is not much Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded There is no fool like Aunt Edie Laugh and the whole world laughs with you Cry and you have to blow your nose

During a dinner party the hosts two little kids entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening After going all the way around the room the children left As they disappeared out of sight there was a moment of silence at the table during which one child was heard to say You see it is Vanishing cream

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together After the man received the full treatment - shave shampoo manicure haircut etc - he placed the boy in the chair I`m goin` to buy a green tie to wear for the parade he said I`ll be back in a few minutes When the boy`s haircut was completed and the man still hadn`t returned the barber said Looks like your dad`s forgotten all about you That wasn`t my daddy said the boy He just walked up took me by the hand and said `Come on son we`re gonna get a free haircut `

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as Guinea pigs in a test of emergency systems A mock earthquake was staged and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers but the first-aid people got behind schedule and the Scout lay wounded for several hours When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be they found nothing but this brief note: Have bled to death and gone home

A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store She searched everywhere she had visited but just couldn t find it Finally a little boy approached her and asked Ma am is this your purse? Jubilantly she grabbed the purse and cried Yes Yes it is Thank you so much Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused But how strange when I lost it I had only a hundred dollar bill but now I have five twenties The boy replied That s because the last time I returned a lady s purse she didn t have any change for a reward

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store As he waited he was approached by a man who asked Son can you tell me where the post office is? The little boy replied Sure just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right The man thanked the boy kindly and said I m the new pastor in town and I d like for you to come to church on Sunday I ll show you how to get to Heaven The little boy replied with a chuckle Awww come on; you don t even know the way to the post office

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out He goes and sits outside the class and can t stop laughing The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing He says Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing? Little Johnny says I farted in class and the teacher threw me out The principal says Well then why are you laughing? Little Johnny says Because the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful clean ai

Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa s lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled She finally asks Grandpa did God make you? He sure did honey a long long time ago he replied Well did God make me?` she asked Yes He did and that wasn t too long ago he answered She thought for a minute and then said Wow He s sure doing a lot better job these days isn t He?

Anna 6 years old gets home from school She just had her first family planning lesson at school Her mother very interested asks How did it go? I died of shame She answers Why? Her Mother asked Anna said Karen from down the road says that the stork brings babies Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital Her mother answers laughingly But that s no reason to be ashamed? No but I can t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves

A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart store and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth Excuthe me mithter do you keep widdle wabbits? As the shopkeeper s heart melts he gets down on his knees so that he s on her level and asks Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there? She in turn blushes rocks on her heels puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice I don t think my python weally gives a thit

One day the phone rang and Little Johnny answered The Caller: May I speak to your parents? Little Johnny: They re busy The Caller: Oh Is anybody else there? Little Johnny: The police The Caller: Can I speak to them? Little Johnny: They re busy The Caller: Oh Is anybody else there? Little Johnny: The firemen The Caller: Can I speak to them? Little Johnny: They re busy The Caller: So let me get this straight -- your parents the police and the firemen are there but they re all busy? What are they doing? Little Johnny: Looking for me

While walking through the woods one day I was surprised to hear a child s voice I followed the sound trying in vain to understand the child s words When I spotted a girl perched on a rock I realized why her words had made no sense: She was repeating the alphabet Why are you saying your ABC s so many times? I asked her The child replied I m saying my prayers I couldn t help but laugh Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet Patiently the child explained Well I don t know all the words so I give God the letters He knows what I m trying to say

A father who worked away from home all week always made a special effort with his family at the weekends Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for was so sick that he really didn t feel like driving at all Luckily his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father Well the father asked did you enjoy your ride with Mommy? Oh yes Daddy the girl replied and do you know what we didn t see a single bastard

My son asked me if we could have a tree this Christmas I told him I didn t want to pay for a tree and that s that He wouldn t stop asking though every five minutes he wanted to know why we couldn t have a tree In the end I grabbed my axe and stormed out of the house Ten minuted later I returned with an eight foot Christmas tree Wow said my son You cut that down quick Son I replied I didn t cut it down I got it from the local shop He looked puzzled and said Why did you take the axe then? I told you I didn t want to pay for a Christmas tree