A man arrives at the theater to see the latest production only to learn that it is completely sold out He finds an usher and pleads with him You must help me I am a huge theater fan I’ve been to every opening night performance at this theater for twenty years I can’t bear to miss this play is there any possible way you can find me a seat? The usher says he ll see what he can do A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat He leads him inside the theater to be seated A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again He whispers to the usher This play is a mystery and I love mysteries But I have to watch a mystery close up Get me a better seat and I’ll give you a handsome tip The usher manages once again to find the man a seat this time in the second row As he seats him the man hands the usher a quarter The usher looks at the quarter leans over and whispers The wife did it

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated The bartender asks What s the matter? The guy replies Well I ve got these two horses and I can t tell them apart I don t know if I m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods The bartender suggests Why don t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses? The guy says That sounds like a good idea I think I ll try it A few months later he returns to the bar in worse condition I shaved the tail of one of the horses but it grew back and I can t tell them apart again The bartender says Why don t you try shaving the mane? A few months later the guy is back I shaved the mane of one of the horses but it grew back The bartender yells Just measure the damn horses Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one The guy storms out of the bar The next day the guy runs into the bar It worked it worked he exclaims I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one

Frederick II the eighteenth-century King of Prussia fancied himself an enlightened monarch and in some respects he was On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners One after the other the prisoners fell to their knees before him bewailing their lot and predictably protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them Only one prisoner remained silent and finally Frederick s curiosity was aroused You he called You there The prisoner looked up Yes Your Majesty? Why are you here? Armed robbery Your Majesty And are you guilty? Entirely guilty Your Majesty I richly deserve my punishment At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said Warden release this guilty wretch at once I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years One day Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize Immediately Jock says Open it up and we ll have a dram Naw ah m goin tae save it for a special occasion Birthdays came and went his anniversaries came and went but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle Finally Angus had a heart attack and was laying on his deathbed He motioned for his old friend to come closer Jock remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won? Aye ah certainly do Angus Weell ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock my dear friend Aye anything ye ask Angus When ah m dead wid ye take that bottle an open it up Aye Angus then what? Wid ye pour it over ma grave? Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus It s 40 year old Scotch But I ll do it for ye Oh ye re a real pal Jock and ah ll appreciate that Jock says There s just one thing Angus wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?

लडका अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड की याद में उदास बैठे पानी मे पत्थर मार रहा था
एक मेढक निकल कर बोला पानी मे आ तेरी उदासी उतारू साले अपनी वाली के चक्कर मे मेरी वाली का सिर फोड दिया

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking surely I can t look that old Well you ll love this one I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist I noticed his diploma which bore his full name Suddenly I remembered a tall handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him however I quickly discarded any such thought This balding grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary Chandigarh Yes Yes I did he gleamed with pride When did you graduate? I asked He answered In 1975 Why do you ask? You were in my class I exclaimed He looked at me closely Then that ugly Old Bald Wrinkled Fat ass Grey-haired Decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: What did you teach???

1 If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall 2 Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation 3 Crazed maniacs have super-human strength 4 The suburbs are exciting 5 Good guys always shoot better than bad guys 6 Good guys are always outnumbered 7 Good guys always win and get the girl 8 Good guys are always good looking 9 Ugly people are always bad guys 10 All Chinese people know Karate 11 There are no ugly women only ugly men 12 Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness 13 Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor 14 Cars will explode in all accidents 15 Everyone has a `dark` secret 16 Cream pies are made to be thrown never eaten 17 Haunted houses are never locked 18 Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg 19 When it rains it always pours 20 You are always safe as soon as you cross the *county line* - 150 miles away

How to identify the city you are in Scenario 1: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along sees them and walks on That s MUMBAI Scenario 2: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace The first two get together and beat him up That s DELHI Scenario 3: Two guys fighting and third guy comes from a nearby house and says Don t fight in front of my place go somewhere else That s PUNE Scenario 4: Two guys are fighting A crowd gathers to watch A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there That s AHEMDABAD Scenario 5: Two guys are fighting Both of them take time out call their friends on their mobiles Now 50 guys are fighting You are in PUNJAB Scenario 6: Two guys fighting Third guy comes and shoots both of them You are in WASSEYPUR Last Scenario: Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends You are definitely in GOA

Paddy Jimmy were walking along a street in London Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye The sign read Suits Pound 5 00 each Shirts Pound 2 00 each Trousers Pound 2 50 per pair Paddy said to his pal Look at the prices We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune Now when we go in you stay quiet okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us I ll put on my best London accent OK Paddy I ll keep me mouth shut said Jimmy They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice Hello my good man I ll take 50 suits at Pound 5 00 each 100 shirts at Pound 2 00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at Pound 2 50 each I ll back up me truck ready to load them on old chap The owner of the shop said quietly You re from Scotland aren t you? Well yes said a surprised Paddy What gave it away? The owner replied This is a dry-cleaners

After a long day at the office Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor s pet rabbit in his mouth The rabbit was obviously dead Chris panicked If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny they ll hate me forever he thought So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside Did you hear that Fluffy died? the neighbor asked Oh Uhmm Sorry to hear that What happened? Chris mumbled The neighbor replied We just found him dead in his cage one day But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up gave him a bath and put him back into the cage There are some really sick people out there

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn The wife likes to read One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap Although not familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat out She motors out a short distance anchors and continues to read her book Along comes a game warden in his boat He pulls up alongside the woman and says Good morning Ma am What are you doing? Reading a book she replies You re in a restricted fishing area he informs her I m sorry officer but I m not fishing I m reading Yes but you have all the equipment For all I know you could start at any moment I ll have to take you in and write you up If you do that I ll have to charge you with sexual assault says the woman But I haven t even touched you says the game warden That s true but you have all the equipment For all I know you could start at any moment Have a nice day ma am and he left

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents After dinner her mother tells her father to find out about the young man The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink So what are your plans? the father asks the young man I am a Torah scholar He replies A Torah scholar Hmmm the father says Admirable but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she s accustomed to? I will study the young man replies and God will provide for us And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves? I will concentrate on my studies the young man replies God will provide for us And children? asks the father How will you support children? Don`t worry sir God will provide ”Like this and each time the father questions the young idealist insists that God will provide Later the mother asks How did it go Honey? The father answer He has no job and no plans but the good news is he thinks I`m God

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle dressed in pilot uniforms Both are wearing dark glasses One is using a seeing-eye dog and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit the door closes and the engines start The passengers begin glancing nervously searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke None is forthcoming The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off that it will plow into the water screams of panic fill the cabin But at that moment the plane lifts smoothly into the air Up in the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says You know Joe one of these days they re going to scream too late and we re all gonna die

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners military jets and the space shuttle all traveling at maximum velocity The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with air borne fowl to test the strength of the windshields  British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains Arrangements were made to borrow the gun But when the gun was fired the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel crashed into the shatter proof shield smashed into smithereens crashed through the control console snapped the engineer s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin Horrified the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U S scientists for suggestions NASA s response was just one sentence: Thaw the frozen chicken first

I`m writing this slow because I know you can`t read fast We don`t live where we did when you first left Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved I won`t be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn`t have to change their address This place has a washing machine The first day I put four shirts in pulled the chain and I haven`t seen em since It only rained twice this week three days the first time and four days this time The coat you wanted me to send you your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets About your sister she had a baby this morning I haven`t found out whether it`s a girl or a boy so I don`t know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle Not much more news this time write soon Love Mom P S Was going to send you money but the envelope was already sealed