Ladies and Gentlemen I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain s next announcement Ladies and Gentlemen we at Indian Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the Plane After this announcement all the passengers re-arranged their seating to comply with the captain s request Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean The captain once again made an announcement: Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane Thank You For Flying Indian Airlines

Mr Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant but he worked hard saved his pennies and started a small business It did well and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children The work kept him very busy so he never had time to learn to write but the bank was happy to do business with him even though his signature consisted of two X s He prospered he opened more stores the kids were transferred to private schools the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show) you get the idea One day his banker Mr Smith asked him to drop by So vat s the problem? Greenberg asked a bit anxiously Smith waved a bunch of checks at him Perhaps nothing he said but I wanted to be on the safe side These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X s but your signature of record has just 2 Greenberg looked embarrassed I m sorry about making trouble he said but my wife said that since I m now such a high-class rich guy I should have a middle name

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet The young wife stunningly built decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude That`s okay with me honey says her husband I`ll go get some wood for the fire About thirty minutes later the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears One of her breasts has been painted green the other red and her bottom is blue What on earth happened to you dear? he asks Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don`t allow any nakedness around these parts Then they gave me this paint job Those troublemakers I`ll fix them the husband shouts He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar Who is the jerk who painted my wife red green and blue he shouts A huge man about 6` 8 steps forward a shotgun in his hands I did it he bellows What you got to say about it? The husband answers meekly I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents After dinner her mother tells her father to find out about the young man The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink So what are your plans? the father asks the young man I am a Torah scholar He replies A Torah scholar Hmmm the father says Admirable but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she is accustomed to? I will study the young man replies and God will provide for us And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves? asks the father I will concentrate on my studies the young man replies God will provide for us And children? asks the father How will you support children? Do not worry sir God will proceeds like this And each time the father questions the young idealist insists that God will provide Later the mother asks How did it go Honey? The father answer He has no job and no plans but the good news is he thinks I am God

God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an award scheme During the procedure at one point he concentrated on learning about the situation in India He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven and asked him how many children he had during his time on earth Nehru replied Only one Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted God awarded Nehru with a Celestial Rolls Royce Indira Gandhi was next and God asked the same question She replied she had two children and God thought not too bad so he gave her a BMW Dr Radhakrishnan was next in line God was not pleased to hear that he had six children and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment Sometime later the three (Nehru Indira and Radhakrishnan) going around in their new cars saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot Wondering what went wrong; they asked why God hadn t been merciful with him The Mahatma replied in disgust God did not even ask me Some idiots had told him that I am the Father of the Nation

A lady had come to a little country town at the time of their big country ball She was staying with a friend who she was to go with to the ball The evening of the big night her friend became sick The city woman decided to go any way Her friend gave her a few pointers about what to expect at the ball One of the pointers was that the toilets were somewhat different to what she was used to in the city When she got to the ball after a while she needed to go to the toilet She asked where they were and was told they were upstairs down the corridor and on the right After a while she got lost but found a big room with giant holes in the floor Having remembered what her friend told her she thought that they must have been the toilets and went about her business When she was finished she walked downstairs to see the room was empty She walked outside and asked a young man why everyone was standing outside The young man replied You mustn t have been in there when the shit hit the fan

An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address That morning one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper This student asked whether he could keep the paper Forgetting what was on the other side the professor said Certainly In the evening he returned out of habit to the old house tried the key and could not get in Realizing his mistake he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address but off course there was no sign of it So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw Excuse me I m professor Galbraith You would not happen to know where I live would you? Sure dad said the boy

Boss: There are 50 bricks on an aeroplane If you drop 1 outside How many are left? Employee: That s easy 49 Boss: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge? Employee: Open the fridge Put the elephant in Close the fridge Boss: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge? Employee: Open the fridge Take the elephant out Put the deer in Close the fridge Boss: It s lion s birthday all animals are there except one why? Employee: Because the deer is in the fridge Boss: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles? Employee: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion s birthday Boss: Last question In the end the old lady still died Why? Employee: Ere I guess she drowned errr Boss: No She was hit by the brick fallen from the aeroplane Thats the problem you are not focused on your job You may leave now Moral: No matter how much you know or how much you are prepared If your Boss has decided to screw you then you are surely screwed

Smith went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day the foreman told him Smith didn t see this as a problem so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best He came back sweating like a pig Christ how many trees did you cut down? asked the foreman 6 he replied What ? You have to do better than that Get up earlier tomorrow The foreman said So he did Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted How many this time? asked the foreman 12 he said The foreman says That does it I m coming out there with you tomorrow morning The next morning the foreman reaches the first tree and says This is how to cut down trees really quickly He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM He notices Smith is looking at him frantically So he asks him what s wrong Paddy replies What the hell is that noise?

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff As the hypnotist took to the stage he announced Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch It s a very special watch Its been in my family for six generations He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting Watch the watch watch the watch watch the watch The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth light gleaming off its polished surface Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist s fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces Shit said the hypnotist It took three weeks to clean up the theate

There s this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear Only he shows up without a gun The other hunters are very curious How you gonna get a bear without a gun? they ask Do you have a knife? No says the guy Do you have a club? “No says the guy Don t you worry I m gonna get myself a bear Just wait right here and see The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry As the bear wakes up he starts to chase after the guy so the guy starts running back towards the cabin Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling Open the cabin door Open the door They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him To the terror of the other hunters an angry bear follows close behind running into the cabin too Then the guy slams the door shut and says You skin that one I ll go get anothe

A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit had it between his fingers and smeared over his body The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said Making a Mailman This pissed the mailman off he went up the street and saw a fireman He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart ass the kid was the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of shit Johhny looked up and said Making a Fireman This pissed the fireman off he left to tell a cop The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy The cop asked Little Johnny What are you doing playing with a pile of shit? Little Johnny looked up and said nothing The cop said You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman why don t you tell me that you are making a cop Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said I ain t got enough shit

After shopping for most of the day a couple returns to find their car has been stolen They go to the police station to make a full report Then a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime To their amazement the car has been returned There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert The note reads I apologize for taking your car but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital Please forgive the inconvenience Here are two tickets for tonight`s concert of Garth Brooks the country-and-western music star Their faith in humanity restored the couple attend the concert and return home late They find their house has been robbed Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house from basement to attic And there is a note on the door reading Well you still have your car I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow don`t I?

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females He hired a French guy who didn t speak English but was a very good worker After the first day they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the parts but the sheep farmer yelled No Don t throw those away My wife fries them up and we eat them They re delicious and we call them sheep fries Later that day the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed the sheep fries were tasty The next day they castrated 16 sheep and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of sheep fries The third day however when the sheep farmer came home he asked his wife where the French hired hand was She said You know it was the weirdest thing I told him since there weren t very many sheep fries this evening we were also going to have French fries Then he screamed and ran like hell

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip Two days before the group is to leave Rob s wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going Rob s friends were very upset that he can t go but what can they do Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up firewood gathered and supper cooking on the fire Damn man how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go? Well I ve been here since yesterday Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said Guess who ? I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie She took my hand and took me to our bedroom The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over She had on the bed handcuffs and ropes She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did And then she said Now you can do what ever you want So here I am Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends