A travelling salesman s car breaks down on a deserted road and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse The farmer being a kindly soul says to the man that he can spend the night and they ll sort his car out in the morning There s only one small problem says the farmer We don t have much room so y all will have to either sleep on the couch or share the spare bedroom with Baby Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch The next morning he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast and he sees this absolutely stunning hot blonde busy making coffee She turns around when he walks in and coos Hi I m Baby who are you? He replies I m the stupid salesman who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch

A British guy walks into a bar in Central London and before he could order his drink he notices a Sikh man wearing a turban Having a personal grudge against sardars the British guy says loudly to the bartender to the advantage of everyone seated in the bar Drinks for everyone in here except for the Sikh sardar over there The first round of drinks were served and the Sikh guy gives him a smile gestures to him saying Thank you in a loud voice The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile and yells back Thank you The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender What s wrong with this Sardar? I ve insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me Has he lost his mind? No Sir replies the bartender He is the owner of this place

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger A few seconds later a genie popped out of the lamp but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp Reluctantly the genie said Even though you kicked me I still have to give you three wishes However because of what you did I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss So the man agreed and made his first wish I want lots of money he said Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man s bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss account For his second wish the man wished for a couple of sports cars Instantly a Lamborghini Ferrari and a Porsche appeared but at the same time outside his boss house appeared two of each car Finally the genie said This is your last wish you should choose carefully The man replied I ve always wanted to donate a kidney

A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her Father may I ask a favor? Of course what may I do for you? the priest replied Well I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother s birthday It s unopened and over my customs limits I m afraid they ll confiscate it Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes perhaps? I would love to help you dear but I must warn you I will not lie said the devout man With your honest face Father no one will question you When they reached the customs area she let the priest go ahead of her The official asked Father do you have anything to declare? From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare The official thought this answer strange so asked And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor? I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman s use but which is to date unused The official said Go ahead Fathe

A guy walks into a bookstore Not looking for anything in particular On his way to the back of the store he spots something of interest A book with a very interesting title Dating for the New Millennium What Women Want So he picks it up and opens it to a random page Chapter 1 The First Date So he glances the chapter over for a few minutes and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he s wanted to ask out for quite a while When he gets home picks up the phone and calls her She answers Hello? He says Hi Mona? It s me Listen I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight? She says Sure I don t see anything wrong with that He gets excited He thought she d say No Way but she didn t So he decided to take it one step further He asks Great well how about dinner before the movie? She replies Sure that would be great too Fine I ll pick you up about 9 you should have finished eating by then

Once at the time of the world war the soldiers were looting all villages of food wine and women Before they could enter one such village the villagers decide to scoot except for one young man who had a 80-year-old grandmother So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside Bring us some food they demanded The young man said But I have only half a loaf of bread War is War bring us the food So he gives his last morsel of food Bring us some wine But I doubt if there is any in the house you know how things are these days War is War bring us the wine So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them Now bring us a woman But everyone has left the village The only female here is my 80 year old grandmother War is War bring her to us The old woman is brought and she s so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say We ll let you off this time Granny says The hell you will War is Wa

Laloo Yadav s car is driving along a backcountry road on the way back to Patna when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car The piglet dies on the spot Laloo upset tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back he has a bag full of money and a wondering look on his face Laloo wants to know what happened The driver tells him Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai tab sare log jama ho gaye Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya Laloo says Sasoor ka natee Theek theek batao Tum unko kya bola tha? The driver replies Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon

Two hunters are hunting deer in the Western USA They spot some deer on a farmer s land and they decide to go ask the farmer if he will let them hunt on his land Only one of the guys goes to ask He says Sir we noticed you got some deer on your land and we wondered if you would allow us to hunt them? The farmer says Sure no problem But on one condition I got this old horse that s real sick and just about ready to die I d appreciate one of you fella s shootin him for me I just can t bring myself to do it The hunter says that it won t be a problem On the way back to the pickup he thinks to himself I m gonna screw around with my buddy He walks up to the pickup and says That SOB won t let us hunt his land You know what I m gonna shoot his horse At this point the first hunter pulls out his gun and shoots the farmer s horse The second guy so caught up in the emotion says Yeah that SOB and he starts shooting the farmer s cows

We got off the Titanic first We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses Our boyfriend s clothes make us look elfin gorgeous Guys look like complete idiots in ours We can be groupies Male groupies are stalkers We can cry and get off speeding fines Taxis stop for us Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance Free drinks Free dinners Free moving (you get the point) We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we re gay We don t have to fart to amuse ourselves If we forget to shave no one has to know We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there If we re dumb some people will find it cute We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems Gay waiters don t make us uncomfortable We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists an anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee He sat down at the counter ordered his coffee and while he was drinking it he told the druggist what his purpose was in town then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high Sure said the druggist Every morning the six o`clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing It wakes everybody up and well it`s too late to go back to sleep and it`s too early to get up

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school s soccer team to an away game They stop for a rest break and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer We made a special ball with a bell in it so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it s doing by listening for it They re pretty good at it too Very clever remarks the other patron Just then they are interrupted as another patron who is looking out the window says Hey Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus? Yes says the teacher stung by the way his kids are being refered to what about it? You got something against blind kids? Nothing ordinarily says the guy still scowling out the window but you better get them rounded up quick They re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals You are all part of our team now said Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat but please do not eat any of the other employees The cannibals promised they would not Four weeks later their boss remarked You re all working very hard and I m very satisfied with you however one of our secretaries has disappeared Do any of you know what happened to her? The cannibals all shook their heads No After the boss left the leader of the cannibals said to the others: Which one of you idiots ate the secretary? A hand rose hesitantly to which the leader of the cannibal shouted You fool For four weeks we ve been eating team leaders managers and project managers and no-one has noticed anything and now YOU ate one secretary and it got noticed So hereafter please don t eat a person who is working

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work If you use them wisely you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol 1 It s an incentive to show up 2 It reduces stress 3 It leads to more honest communications 4 It reduces complaints about low pay 5 It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover 6 Employees tell management what they think not what management wants to hear 7 It helps save on heating costs in the winter 8 It encourages carpooling 9 Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don t care 10 It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work 11 It makes fellow employees look better 12 It makes the cafeteria food taste better 13 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted 14 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable 15 If something does something stupid on the job it will be quickly forgotten

A true story out of San Francisco: A man wanting to rob downtown Bank of America walked into the branch and wrote this iz a stikkup Put all your muny in this bag While standing in line waiting to give his note to the teller he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller s window So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo After waiting a few minutes in line he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn t the brightest light in the harbor told him that she could not accept his pickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America Looking somewhat defeated the man said OK and left He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive The top was down the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes he thought to himself and opened her up further The needle hit 90 100 Then the reality of the situation hit him What am I doing? he thought and pulled over The cop came up to him took his license without a word and examined it and the car It’s been a long day this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go The guy thinks for a second and says Last week my wife ran off with a cop I was afraid you were trying to give her back Have a nice weekend said the office