Officer: What is your Name ? Candidate: MP Sir Officer: Tell me properly Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir Officer: Your father s name ? Candidate: MP sir Officer: What does that mean ? Candidate: Manmohan Pal sir Officer: Your native place Candidate: MP Sir Officer: Is it Madhya Pradesh ? Candidate: No Munnur Pal sir Officer: What is your qualification? Candidate: MP Sir Officer: (Angrily) What is it ? Candidate: Matric Pass Officer: Why do you need a job ? Candidate: MP sir Officer: And what does that mean ? Candidate: Money Problem sir Officer: Describe your personality Candidate: MP Sir Officer: Explain yourself clearly Candidate: Mind-blowing Personality Sir Officer: This discussion is nowhere you may go now Candidate: MP Sir Officer: What is it now? Candidate: My performance ? Officer: MP Candidate: What is that sir ? Officer: Mentally Punctured Candidate: MP Sir (my pleasure)

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Naval Air Station skipping recruit training The very first day at Air station he solos and is the best flier on the base All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes Then climbing up to 20 000 ft he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well Noting that his fuel was getting low he descended circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck He threw back the canopy climbed out and jogged over to the captain Saluting smartly he said Well sir how did I do on my very first day? The captain turned around bowed politely and replied You make one velly velly selious mistake

On a transatlantic flight a plane passes through a severe storm The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning One woman in particular loses it Screaming she stands up in the front of the plane I m too young to die she wails Then she yells Well if I m going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN? For a moment there is silence Everyone has forgotten their own peril They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane He is handsome tall well built with dark brown hair and hazel eyes He starts to walk slowly up the aisle unbuttoning his shirt One button at a time No one moves He removes his shirt Muscles ripple across his chest She gasps He whispers in her ear Iron this then get me a bee

A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him He covers the s**t with his hat When the policeman arrives he asks the man What have you go under there? The man replies I just caught the fastest thing in the world The policeman says Let me have a look The man replies As I said it s the fastest thing in the world If I take the hat off it it will get away The policeman tells the man Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it The man replies OK if you insist When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t What s this? he screams at the man I told you it was the fastest thing in the world the man replies But you sure scared the s**t out of it

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on There was a young man in the driver`s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting He stopped to investigate He walked up to the driver`s window and knocked The young man looked up cranked the window down and said Yes officer? What are you doing? the policeman asked What does it look like? answered the young man I`m reading a magazine Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat the officer then asked And what is she doing? The young man looked over his shoulder and replied What does it look like? She`s knitting And how old are you? the officer then asked the young man I`m nineteen he replied And how old is she? asked the officer The young man looked at his watch and said Well in about ten minutes she`ll be eighteen

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said Hey I haven t seen you in a while What happened you look terrible What do you mean? I m fine What about that wooden leg? You didn t have that before Well said the pirate We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up and I m fine really Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you you had both hands We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook and I feel great really Oh said the bartender what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye You re kidding said the bartender you couldn t have lost an eye just from some bird crap Well I really wasn t used to the hook yet

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING The woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP What men invented that women enjoys? The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS The woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX The woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things While the women STUCK to shopping

A painter had lived in his loft for six months and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created He worked day and night stopping only occasionally for something to eat He thought little about food and less about sleep But what he thought about least of all was his rent As a result his landlord now stood before him demanding the three months rent the painter owed on the loft Give me a couple of weeks teh painter pleaded I know I m on the verge of making some sales Absolutely not the landlord said You gave me that story last month You won t get another day s credit from me Look the painter said think of it as an investment Someday this loft will be famous and you ll be able to charge a fortune for it In a few years people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper That great painter used to paint here Pay your rent now the landlord said or they ll be able to say it tomorrow morning

10 I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1 44MB disk 9 I will stop sending email to my roommate 8 I resolve to work with neglected children my own 7 I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email 6 When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list I will read all the mail I get from it 5 I will stay on the computer as long as I want What? OK dear I`m coming Never mind 4 No more downloads from alt binaries * 3 I resolve to back up my new 1GB hard drive daily well once a week monthly perhaps 2 I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net 1 I won`t try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out When I hear Where do you want to go today? I won`t reply MS Tech Support -1 I will read the manual -2 I will think of a password other than password -3 I will limit my top ten lists to ten items

An A boy and his father were visiting a mall They were amazed by almost everything they saw but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and back together again The boy asked his father What is this Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded Son I have never seen anything like this in my life I don`t know what it is While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out The father said to his son Go get your mother Contributed by:-Mr Singhmail address:- funnyjokes rediffmail com

After a long day at the office Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor s pet rabbit in his mouth The rabbit was obviously dead Chris panicked If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny they ll hate me forever he thought So he took the dirty chewed up rabbit into the house gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside Did you hear that Fluffy died? the neighbor asked Oh Uhmm Sorry to hear that What happened? Chris mumbled The neighbor replied We just found him dead in his cage one day But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up gave him a bath and put him back into the cage

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity He called them into his shop I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won’t take no for an answer He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel They as can be expected gladly accepted and were off About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop And how did you like your holiday? he asked eagerly The flight was exciting and the room was lovely she said I’ve come to thank you But one thing puzzled me Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life the reporter asked The three old men agreed The first old man was asked his secret to his long life I m teetotaler I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years Wow that s really remarkable said the reporter What s your age? I m 95 said the man The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life I drank on occasion I smoked but not often and I dated some And how old are you? asked the reporter I m 90 said the old man Finally the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life I dated every woman that would go out with me I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day Wow said the reporter And how old are you? 28 replied the man

In a convent in Ireland the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen Then remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk Back at Mother Superior s bed they held the glass to her lips The frail Mother Superior drank a little then a little more and before they knew it she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop As her eyes brightened the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader Mother the Nuns asked earnestly please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow looked at them and said DON T SELL THAT COW

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard He called the police Since there did not appear to be any foul play the police referred the preacher to the health department They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with but the preacher called him anyway The mayor did not disappoint He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said Why did you call me anyway? Isn t it your job to bury the dead? The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response He was led to say Yes Mayor it is my job to bury the dead but I always like to notify the next of kin first