I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining..

When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”

If sex were shoes, I d wear you out. But I wouldn t wear you out in public.

Today s Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each others phones

I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. :)

mom can i..." "no." "mom please?" "no." "but, mom..." "no." ......"hey, dad!

When you drop your phone, your heart hits the ground before your phone does.

"A man is already halfway in love with any woman who looks and smile to him"

Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?

Dear Sleep! I Know We Had Problemz When I Was Y0unger! But NOW I Lub you :-D

Never trust anyone who says; ``I`m not supposed to tell anyone but…``

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work. :p

That awkward moment when you`re alone in the car with your friend`s parents.

Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.