Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.

Your girlfriend should be your best friend so don t treat her like a friend with benefits.

That awkward moment when the dictionary s definition is even more confusing than the word.

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won :)

Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It`s still alive, but its hair looks FABULOOOOUS!

That sexy turtle face you do when you think you`re gonna sneeze but you end up not doing it

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

Dear McDonalds, why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect.

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians…

Yesterday I was clever. So I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise. So I am changing.

Guy: Hey I want to be part of you girl.
Girl: sorry, I already have an asshole!

Real pain is when you offer someone your food to sound polite and they say yes and take it.