If your wife claims she never looks at your Facebook profile, change your status 2
`Single` and wait for 5 minutes.

Dear Face Wash Commercials, Nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my bathroom is sopping wet now.

I always say morning instead of good morning If it were a good morning I d still be in bed instead of talking to people.

this is a message 4 all those who DON T DRINK OR SMOKE!
One day your old friends will die and you will be left alone.

A Signboard outside a prostitute s house: Married MEN not allowed.
_
We serve the needy, not the greedy;)

Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, “SAVE TREES” on it.

I hate when I see a girl in a car next to me & she s real beautiful, But then the light turns green and she s gone forever.... :p

When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up, it s like having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch. -_-

My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

Whenever I wanna fall in love with my household chores...my bed falls in love with me...AND I always respect the one who loves me

Restaurant Advertisement:
We serve food as HOT as your neighbour s wife;
And beer as COLD as your own! :p

I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.

Dear Mom & Dad, when you said- "Let`s go", I assumed you were ready to go also. Sincerely, Been waiting in the car for 20 minutes.

Boyss think of girls like books; if the cover does not catch their eyes, they won’t even bother to read what’s inside.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs