My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world and that s not just my opinion- It s hers

What s the kindest thing you can say about egotists? At least they don t talk about other people

I ve been dating a homeless woman recently and it s getting serious She s asked me to move out with he

I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road without being questioned about their motives

Sea Captain: There is no hope The ship is doomed In an hour we will all be dead Seasick Passenger: Thank God

Soldier: The bullet struck my head and went careening into space Friend: You re being candid about it anyway

I found an old shoebox full of photos Mostly me with my ex More than anything else it made me miss those shoes

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in

Why do you have to put your two cents in But it s only a penny for your thoughts ? Where s that extra penny going to?

I drank so much whisky last night - when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass I won the dance competition

Boy: Have you seen my pills? They re labelled LSD Grandmother: Never mind about your pills Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?`

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens A brother is frying chips Are you the friar he asks No I m the chip monk he replies

Apparently nine out of ten single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed My dog s full of useful information like that